The rest of the truth

I hadn't realized this perspective until Laura came over today to pick up her clothes. Her clothes used to be at W's place, but he threw them in my car and I had them. Laura's a beautiful woman, a naturopathic doctor, and her credentials go on. She didn't understand why I had her clothes. She was looking for commiseration about W.

I am about to leave for an unknown length of time to work on an ashram. It fell in my lap and is flowing in a way that I know it is the right thing to do. I'm not running away from anything. It is just time. I have gotten rid of 90 to 95 percent of my material and relationship belongings. For some reason, I have been holding onto the vision of the future with W. And, Laura has had an on again off again relationship with him for years. Ours is different. But what we have in common is that we both think we are the one, that special one who understands W.

When she came to pick up her clothes today she said that W told her that he threw me across the room. He told her that this was in front of his intern (age 30) and his daughter (age 7) and that it made his intern cry.

Threw me across the room? Why couldn't I see it like that? But, that is what happened. He's the one that offered me a place to live. He's the one who was going to build a business with me. He's the one that has said for 5 years that I'd be on the payroll. He's the one whom I've known for lifetimes. I'm working out my karma, but I cannot work out his.

I have this belief that we have this spiritual work to get out in the world and that it is important. I know what it is. I can see it. But, what happens if he chooses to not go down that path?

Lessons are sometimes hard. This one is more complicated than I am writing about. But my lesson is that I have my own spiritual path, my own spiritual work and that I have to stand strong regardless of who else is in my life. I cannot even imagine what is ahead in life for me, so grasping onto the stories of the present is very limiting. Let go and let be.

This is a perspective I did not choose for looking at what is precipitating my decision to go stay at an ashram. But, now it is alongside the others as I get ready to leave.

Cycles

The days are getting longer.

The neighbor just parked in front of my house to put his canoe on top of his car.

Just returned from walking the dogs and noticed the crocus and heather in bloom, the buds on the trees, and the how far the bulbs have pushed their way through the earth.

It is 57 and the bright sun sets in a little over an hour.

It is a waning crescent moon.

Cycles of the day, of the month, of the year......cycles of our lives.....nature teaching us to dig deep, care for ourselves, then blossom with new life once again.

"Everything flowers from within.....of self-blessing"


Saint Francis and the sow

The bud

stands for all things,

even for those things that don't flower,

for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;

though sometimes it is necessary

to reteach a thing its loveliness,

to put a hand on its brow

of the flower

and retell it in words and in touch

it is lovely

until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;

as Saint Francis

put his hand on the creased forehead

of the sow, and told her in words and in touch

blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow

began remembering all down her thick length,

from the earthen snout all the way

through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,

from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine

down through the great broken heart

to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering

from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking and

blowing beneath them:

the long, perfect loveliness of sow.

(Galway Kinell)

Dance

Looking for the silver lining comes naturally for me. I find it easily. But, I've slowed down and am instead of finding the silver lining, I'm finding faith. Or, trust. Or, surrender to something larger than me. A call to put what I have learned into action.

I have been saying that it is a gift that I am sick. I know this is as much of a spiritual healing as it a physical ailment. This silver lining was easy to find.

A little less than a year ago I started a blog on LiveJournal because I had a desire to write. Within a month, I had 50-some followers and online relationships. People come, people go, but I realized that the intersection of who showed up was not by accident. Now, I'm over here wanting to write and wondering how the relationships keep me from writing what I really feel.

It is what it is.

Have you ever known someone in this lifetime and immediately seen several lifetimes with the person? This happened to me with a teacher/mentor, a man who is one of the great minds of the 21st century, a genius. After a couple of years of intensity, I walked away from the relationship. This relationship became extremely intimate, yet it had nothing to do with sex. After a year and a half, we are working together again. There is now mutual respect. I am his teacher as well as he is mine. There is something great that we are going to put out in the world, that we are creating.

This illness is a spiritual cleanse to prepare for what is to come. It is a gift.

I've known for awhile that he was Henry VIII and I was Anne Boleyn. After trying to deny it, I've had it confirmed more than once. I've also know we were king and queen in 3 different lifetimes. I've known about our lifetime together in Atlantis. We are not always husband and wife, but sometimes brother/sister, colleagues, mother/father/child. While I've been ill several lifetimes have come clear. Richard II/Anne of Bohemia; Socrates/Xenophon; "vampires!" in Budapest -- exchanging spiritual and physical dna. Each revelation comes with a lesson. Each one comes with a clearing of my karma. My throat was the first place that this illness showed up and it is cleansing, truly cleansing.

I'm getting ready for my life's work.....cleansing karma. The revealing of the lifetimes has a lesson in it about circadian rhythms over the lifetimes that is not yet clear. I trust it will come.

In the meantime, the physical world is falling apart in my little world as well as around the larger world. Letting go, letting go, and making room for the new. The Universe is knocking us over the head wth a cosmic 2 x 4.

This post is going private soon, but feels not right to do it yet.

We are the dancers of our physical lifetimes, not the choreographers. Dance.

Softening

mom, November 2008
Originally uploaded by isis_lives

Someone remarked today about reconnecting with old friends or people from the past today and how some of them stay the same, never evolve. Others move along their path and change.

I just and one of those phone calls with mom. She talked incessantly asking questions about the exterior things of life and reporting who was doing what in the family.

That's just not the way I talk. It never has been. She is where she is. She is who she is. It's her path, her boat to row. It no longer hurts. I hear her worrying about me for all the wrong reasons. It's always been that way.

I used to think enough love would soften the bitterness that holds her together, but she holds it tightly. Every now and then.....every now and then.....there is a little hint of a softening and a reaching out from an authentic place. Do you have to forgive everyone before you die?

No, mom....you can forgive from the other side, or in other lifetimes, beginning with yourself.

A pause. A silence. Followed by an acknowledgement.

Quckly again the conversation goes to worrying about my sister's boss whom I've never met.

Row, row

Welcome to my Journey

If you are reading this, you responded that you wanted to be on my filter for following my spiritual journey. Welcome!

For me, there is no right or wrong when it comes to beliefs. I feel strongly about some things, and I may express that, but I never tell anyone else what to believe. That being said, this is not a place to debate beliefs either. I respect your beliefs even if I don't share them.

At times I speak in an imperative tone. But, imagine if you will that I am writing on a chalkboard with one hand while erasing everything that has been written with the other hand. One thought leads to another. Being fixed or stagnating in a thought blocks our growth.

For instance, I believe in spirit guides and speak to mine regularly. You may not. I also believe that a certain set of beliefs may be a stepping stone to whatever is next. Therefore, spirit guides come in a form that each individual can relate to them. It may be a fly in the room that distracts your attention. It may be an angel who oversees your dreamlife at night. It may be a pet. I do not judge your path or where you are on your path. Likewise, while I feel strongly about my beliefs, I am always changing and rearranging. This is called being Open. And, if you are Open, you are on a journey regardless what it looks like.

You could substitute many topics in place of the belief in spirit guides, such as chakras, or reincarnation. They are all just a part of the journey, but are not the journey in and of themselves.

Separating our beliefs from our behaviors causes duplicity and tension in life. This duplicity and tension leads to pain that comes in all forms: physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. It shows up somatically in our lives. Understanding and becoming aware of the way this shows up in our lives, provides real freedom. It puts us at a place of choice.

This is not a lecture. This is just the way I write. You are welcome to take it apart, digest it, or throw it away. That's what I will do over the course of this journal.

I'm a thousand miles wide and a couple inches deep on a lot of topics. I'm a SoulCollage facilitator, a (mostly non-practicting) hypnotherapist, a minister, a gerontologist. I read tarot cards, am an intuitive, read physiology, do hand analysis, have studied animal guides, auras, chakras, past lives, energy medicine, and a long list of other things.

I use them all, but I use none of them. It flows through me, it is not me.

Of the many metaphysical and "new age" things that I have studied, I have found the enneagram an extremely valuable tool to understanding my journey. But it is not the answer to the universe. It is a system that is at least 2000 years old and holds some form of truth. Right now, it is my way of speaking and relating to people. I will be posting some basic information about the enneagram (soon.) I also provide "typing" interviews to individuals who are interested.

Onward and forward to talking about enneagrams, body/mind/spirit connection, and circadian rhythms.

Welcome aboard. Feel free to introduce yourself or just stay silent and "witness." Writing is a form of exploration for me. Thank you for being here.

Row, row mantra

I went into theta and into the pure light when my guides gave me a mantra. They were singing "Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream." I smiled and let my subconscious enjoy this gift. 

Soon, I found a Buddhist commentary talking about the beauty of this mantra. The boat is your karma -- row my boat, not someone else's boat. Gently -- go toward enlightenment gently. Sometimes it is behind you, not in front of you, so don't rush. 

After having a habit of feeling responsible for other people's karma, I started saying this mantra and it has shifted my life. Life is a divine dance. My karma, my enlightenment, is enough. Ironically, I have been working with others from this place and have found my life work. 

This is what this blog is about.